had a very, very shitty weekend..

my wrists are red again... there was so much blood... i loved it.. i wont stop cutting myself ever again... it's such a nice feeling...

do you know the wish of flying away...

when it gets overwhelming

and you find yourself standing on the bridge

and you just want to jump...  because you hope you are going to...

fly?

hoping, that your scapulas working as wings...

do you know the feeling, when everything gets worse with every breath you take?
and when you realize it you want to stop breathing, but you can't leave it be?

standing in front of my mirror
these are the hougts buzzing through my head:

ugly, pasty, fat cow!

ugly, ugly, ugly!

i hate you!
i don't want to see you anymore
there's nothing but FAT!
FAT! FAT! FAT!
disgusting!

why are you living?

everything about you is just junk!

fat fat fat!

go, live in forests and landscapes without any zivilation

so nobody has to see you

because nobody WANTS to see you,

see someone fat like you!

die!

nobody would miss you!

help!

my thoughts are killing me

 i have circulation disturbance, extremely often the last time...
i have to conceal it from my parents, they would know it comes from eating less...
but it's hard.. standing up and nearly faint...
it hurts... i hate it...




but it's a sign that i'm getting skinny, isn't it?





i don't know what to do... i don't know what to think... i don't know anything...

i see the birds flying their way... flying away from this shit... and i start crying 'cause i want to fly with them...

i had a talk with my mom a few days ago
i felt like crying as she told my how much she is worried about me
i didn't
i sat there and tried to appease her, so i had to tell her lies.

the next day i woke up. my mom wasn't at home. i found this in my room:

 translation:

Good morning my toots!
I hope, you overcame the party last night and you have no hangover now. (=

Sorry, i can't cut my worries of so fast as i would like it, so i put the scale in your room. I hope being at fault, when i think you balance too little. But if i should be right, please be honest -especially to yourself! Please, you have to accept than, that you have to increase and controll your weight constant. Please! Please! Please!!!
I love you!!
Kiss, Mama

now, i had to cry. a long time. i don't want to make my mum crying or worrying. i love her so much. but i'm to fat and to big.. i don't know what to do...

you made me like i wasn't worth it

i hate the fact that i was so close to my aim


i hate the fact that i got fat again


i hate looking in the mirror seeing my bloated stomach


i hate looking in the mirror seeing myself


i hate waking up in the morning feeling overweight and fat... knowing that there is to much fat... to much stomach

and then i remembered i was alone...

JUMP!! 

nobody would miss you

my mom wants me getting fat!
sitting in my room and crying because of the lunch

i really, really hate myself.
and i really, really want to die!

LET ME DIE!! PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME DIE!!!

i can't keep looking at my best friend, seeing her smiling and knowing she's crying inside... and that i can't help her anyway...

you ask me what's wrong.
i answer i'm just tired.
you say you're too. you hadn't slept this night.
i agree.
but that is not what i meant. i meant that i'm tired of standing up in the morning, i'm tired of crying every night, i'm tired of pretending i'm fine. i'm tired of living

i hate myself

i hate myself
i hate myself
i hate myself
i hate myself
i hate myself
i hate myself
i hate myself
i hate myself
i hate myself
i hate myself

please, please let me go

let me die

standing in front of my mirror
crying, falling down, cutting myself
i hate it
i hate myself
i hate everything in this fucking world!

-no, i don't. i hate it. i fucking hate it!!

the last week i acted the role of the happy girl
just to make my parents life easier
today, just one minute, i showed how i am really
and all my father said was, i had to be friendlier

I'd move out, if you want,
but please, please, don't act like.. like THIS!

It makes me die a bit more... there isn't any left!!

Don't stop me if I try to kill myself!

 fat fat fat fat fat
look in the mirror and see the truth

do you know the feeling

when you just want to cry

and you don't know why?

when you just want to lay on the floor       

beeing a baby again?

when you cut yourself

and you just want to go deeper

and deeper

and deeper

to stop this 

to end these thoughts?

have you ever tryed to kill yourself?
have you ever been sad, because it din't work?

just want to cut and cut and cut till i die. till i lay bleeding on the floor. till i'll be happy. till i'm airy.

i don't want to wake up anymore. this world is the shit!

 just want to stop feeling anything
 just want to stop these thoughts
 just don't want to wake up every fucking morning, knowing, it's just another day everybody's showing me how useless i am

JUST WANT TO STOP EVERYTHING!!