i'm not pretty, i'm not beautiful!!

 

they all were wrong!

what doesnt kill you, doesnt make you stronger!

it fucks you up mentally!!

i am such a fuck!
i cant stand myelf anymore
i hate me so much
i'm eating all the time, im barfing all the time
i have no control anymore
shit!
i'll getting fat!
i AM so fat
please, help me
i want to kill myself
no, dont stop me

i want to kill myelf!

sometimes it feels like it's getting kind of okay, but than there is something that distroyes it

 my therapist says, i'm not anorexic
she says, my weight is still good and healthy
i want to get thinner and thinner, so she knows whats going on in my head, because every fucking day is just one thinking: I WANT TO LOSE MORE WEIGHT, I WANT TO BE THINNER THAN HER, I WANT TO BE BEAUTIFUL, I WANT TO HEAR MY FRIENDS SAYING, I GOT TOO THIN
I DON'T WANT TO LOOK 'healthy' OR 'good"!

i'm broken, i cannot think about anything else than losing weight or looking thin. when i'm happy, i want to be sad again, because being sad is the only thing i know very well, i feel good when i'm sad. i love being sad, because being sad is being me


i know, it sounds stupid...

i woke up, opened my window an a cold wind came into my room
i sat down and cried
i can't stand germany anymore

i hate it so badly

if i wouldn't know that i'm in croatia in a few weeks, i would have killed myself month ago

i can't live here the next years

it kills me

everyday i spend here is wasted

every day i wake up 

i ask myself 

what to do now...

 

to my best friend:

cheer up! i'm there for you! every minute, every second. don't let them push you down!

my parents baned cutting myself
i miss it
i'll start again, at areas they can't see
i need seeing blood
i need having new wounds
i need the pain

i hate it
i hate my body

i hate my face 

i hate my reflection in my mirror

i hate everything about me

i want to die

i just want to fucking die!

 i have no selfcontrol

i'm rubbish

i'm shitty

oh fuuck!

i cried
i cried all the time
for hours

 my mom thinks about put me into psychiatry

but i'm NOT ILL

its so fucking, fucking hard! 

i cant keep standing up every morning, crying because of...everything.