i miss it so much... i love croatia, i love surfing and jogging and swimming, but hurting myself is 10 times better than all these things together... i miss the blood...the scars... feeling numb...

i'm eating so much here.. i'm so scared of weigh myself again in three weeks... but maybe...everything is over than.. maybe that is gonna be the sign, that i have to end it all...for good and all!

i got fat!

i dont know my weight now, but i ate PIZZA today and the last week just things like that! i feel it! i perceive the fat when i stand up in the morning.  i perceive it while i'm walking. everytime, no matter what i do, i feel that i got bigger...fatter..uglier...
i still have got three weeks here. i'll jog everyday, swim everyday, surf everyday and try to eat as less as i can, everyday. i have to lose weight!!

do you remember? i don't... it's like i'm feeling in this way since i was born...

my mom gives me pills. They should help me to feel better... to don't hate myself as much as i do now. to come out of this depression... but i cannot pick myself up to take them... it makes me feeling...wrong

i had an idea: nothing could be beautiful than dying in one's favorite country at ones favorite island

...

now, i just need a knife

i write it here, even if nobody is interested

see you in 4 weeks again.
4 weeks without weigh myself.
without barfing.
i hope, i wont get much fatter...

i'll tell you if something really important happens
maybe anybody is interested...

i got fat in the last days.
so fucking fat.
i hate myself
i hate myself sooo much
and the next weeks i'm in croatia... it means bikinis... i want to die!!

 

i promise, i'll try to help you...

There are days, i'm not sad. i'm not happy. i'm just nothing. i cannot say if it is better than cry all the time. because the times you're crying, you know what you feel and what you think and all these things. but when you're so numb, it is like being out of life. like you're an ghost and you're looking at everything and everybody from above. and nobody knows that you're there...

 I hate myself for this day... and the last week. and the week before... i ate and ate and ate and than i ran in my bathroom for the next hour. i always swear that this was the last time... and the next day it is the same again... but...
the next days are going to be better. the next week i wont eat more than i have to! i bet, i'll stand this. i HAVE TO stand it!
i'm so disgusting....

sometimes, i wish, i were beautiful or thin or lovely or smart or just anything. but i'm nothing. i don't live for real. i cannot die. i'm not happy. but i'm even not sad. i'm something between it. i'm a ghost. i'm caught between two worlds. i cannot escape. i have to stay numb. deaf. i hate it. but i cannot cry to show my feelings. i cannot explain them. i'm imprisoned in my own body.

Do you know the feeling, when you look in the mirror and you think, you look okay...an just one second later you sit on the floor and cry and want to die because you are NOT okay, because you are so fucking ugly and fat and disgusting?

 Do you know the strange feeling, when hearing, you look happy, crushes you?

 

You know the moment, when anyone says you look healthy and than you want to die